That’s the day I declared independence. I was grieving heavily that day. My spirit was down. My hopes and faith were wavering. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I called my CR sponsor. I called several strong leaders that day. Each one of them encouraged me. Prayed with me. Loved on me. Two ladies even came to my home and cried with me. Tears fell harder that day than any other day excluding the days surrounding my Dad’s passing. I felt like I had let so many down. I felt like I wanted to disappear forever. I didn’t want to die. Maybe reinvent myself, so to speak, but not die. I didn’t want to face my children. My husband. My Mom, sister, co-workers, church family…I felt like I had really let God down. I knew He still loved me. Felt that He was looking at me, shaking his head in disgust. I knew better. I just felt that way.
The previous day started out like most normal days for me and my children. I took them swimming later in the afternoon at a friend’s pool. It was just me and my children…quiet, hot, refreshing… I knew later that evening I had a meeting to attend at church. It was the bimonthly Celebrate Recovery Leadership Meeting. I was not, and still am not a leader, but I was invited to attend this meeting due to the fact that I help as often as I can with preparing for our weekly Friday Night dinners. I attended the meeting amongst 10 or so others. I remember driving to the meeting, alone, passing 4 liquor stores to get there. I hated passing by those stores, but it had gotten easier to look away when they were near. I’d turn up the music, usually on Air1, and just sing as loud as I could. This particular evening, it seemed a fog was over me while I drove to the meeting.
I vaguely remember what went on while I was at the meeting. I was greeted warmly, and there was food. I didn’t eat. I sat and got out paper and pen to take notes. I don’t remember even writing, but I did take notes. I left early and drove straight to the nearest liquor store. I remember feeling out of place. I remember thinking that what I was doing wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. I don’t remember what I bought. I do remember coming out with a brown bag holding the contents of what I would soon consume. I didn’t even feel comfortable placing the bag anywhere in my vehicle. I ended up setting it on the passenger front floorboard. Then I drove toward home. I drove beyond my turn that would have led me home, where my children were. I drove to a nearby public pond. It was remotely located, and I knew I would not have been noticed…at least not by anyone I knew. I remember the first few drinks that I poured down my throat. I remember that I was not enjoying it one bit! I woke up a couple of hours later, nauseated, and dizzy. I managed to get out and vomit, and then decided to finish my drink. The tall can was empty soon, but there was a bottle left, unopened. I checked my phone and had several missed calls, voice mail, and text messages. I drank, vomited again, and drank some more. It was nearing 11 pm and I knew I should get home. I don’t remember driving the 4 + miles to my home. I walked in, and tried to make a mad dash to my bedroom without being noticed. My oldest son followed me. Without saying one word he took my purse which concealed the remainder of my drink, and my keys. I uttered a few words saying “sorry”, and climbed into bed.
The next day, after phone calls, and prayer, tears, and visitors, I showered, and tried to cope. One of my visitors stayed with me and even drove me to our Friday Night CR dinner and class. I didn’t want to be there. I was ashamed. I shared with my small group that I had drank the night before. They grieved with me, encouraged me, loved on me… I left with my sponsor and she drove me back home. The next day I attended a meeting at a home where there were around 25 people seeking the presence of the Lord. He showed up that day, and changed the lives of several, including myself!
FindingMyStrength 